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    My Newsletter!

  • (bug fixes and improvements)

    A long time ago I was born. The doctor, who was probably dumb and definitely a man, said "this is a boy!" Then the very same asshole wrote it on a bunch of legal documents too. Having gotten the ball rolling, I just stuck with the program for 43 years.

    But now, I'm going to stop playing along.

    I'm no longer identifying as male, and with that am changing my name and a few other minor things!

    I am transitioning so my body is more aligned with my identity. I take a pill every day to get rid of testosterone, and a weekly injection to increase my estradiol levels.
    Every now and again they burn the hair off my face with a laser. Basic stuff.

    I'm Ginny Mae and it's nice to finally meet you 💙💗🤍💗💙

    Overview of Improvements

    • You can call me Ginny or Ginny Mae! (I'm keeping my last name.)
    • My pronouns are it/its~
    • I am transgender; to me this means I do not identify with the gender I was assigned at birth
    • Gender identity is innate and biological so I've always been transgender. That said...
      • I consciously realized I was transgender on 2022-12-22
      • I began my medical transition on 2023-03-14
    • I think I'm less awkward and annoying!!
    • I feel more extroverted and stuff, it's weird.
    • I have emotions now!
    • Trans rights are human rights.

    I made a page with some questions you might have. I'm also sharing my story if you want to see what led to my record-scratch moment!

    The ~500-word essay of the story

    I've tried to write a brief synopsys and the best I could was 1,500 words; I did eventually whittle it down to ~800 words.
    <small>Don't worry though I kept all those extra words and details  for you to read later!</small>

    CONTENT WARNING: This section includes references to depression, anxiety, and suicide.

    I have struggled with depression and anxiety for my entire life. I'd gotten better at ignoring it, or working around it... but I was miserable.

    I didn't know why I felt this way, but rooted deeply was an all-encompassing self-hatred. My "inner monologue" was an aggressive asshole whose main purpose was pointing out my failures and if I hadn't messed anything up lately just to be generally demeaning.

    I eventually found a mix of antidepressants that seemed to help my most severe issues, I thought. Things got a bit better, and I felt a little more hopeful... but there was still a wrongness, and that inner monologue never relented. At some point in 2020 I was "doing fine" but my mind was still working against me.

    When I could, I still tried. When I could get the energy and focus together I tried almost anything to get better. I didn't have any motivation except my daughter; I knew I wanted to be around for her, and I knew she needed me.

    Meanwhile the world kept moving forward and getting worse, as was the style of the time.

    One basic and normal-feeling Wednesday I had a chat with a friend; she had just returned to work after quitting Twiatter (sic) when it got ruined by nazis and a billionaire, as was the style of the time.

    That evening I was bored and irritable. While epilating my chest for fun (I've been told most cis men do not own an epilator?), I decided I should delete my twitter and try out some other way to post short bits of textual nonsense.

    I signed up for mastodon and installed an android app. I noticed that the app allowed you to be signed into multiple accounts.
    Interesting, I thought.

    The next day I did what every normal, cis-gendered boy does: I signed up for an account with a female name and persona.
    That was the evening of December 22, 2022.

    (I want to stress: during the events I describe above, I did not once think about the possibility of being transgender.
    This is a common sign of being transgender.)

    I made an introduction post in which I asked a question I'd wondered about before but generally ignored as silly and unimportant:

    A social media post that says "I'm a guy who always thoguht and assumed he was cis. I've always been drawn to the feminine and wished I was a girl, but I'm not sure that means I am a girl
or how to figure that out. I haven't shared that with anyone, so I'm using this outlet for now.

    What's the difference between wanting to be a girl, and, like, actually being a girl and being trans? <small>(Spoiler: not as much as I assumed)</small>

    A bunch of people replied and were really nice! Some people had the same question, others had already answered it for themselves. Of note, Prudence sent me a link to a site on gender dysphoria.

    I spent 5 hours reading that entire website, and every page it links to.

    I realized I had been crying around the time I was reading about a theoretical button that could permanently turn a person into a girl. I'm told cis folks would not push that button, though I am still skeptical!

    Even some trans girls said they'd spend hours thinking and mentally debating if they should push it. This confused me because on every day of my life I would have pressed it instantly and without a second thought. Then, after pressing it a few extra times to be really sure it activated, I would look around for a skirt.

    I made my second post:

    A social media post by the same person that just says "oh"

    I also noticed something different, internally. The voice of constant degradation, criticism, and self-hatred was gone. This massive presence that had taken over so much territory in my mind had just… let go. I wasn't confident to say for sure this was happening because I was transgender, even though it was kinda hard to step around the evidence.

    So I did a whole lot of therapy™! I worked on being more honest with myself (which is super fucking hard). I worked to reduce my reliance on maladaptive coping mechanisms (avoidance is a big one). I pulled off some of the parts of me that were built up to keep me safe.

    Growth rarely happens in a straight line, and I went back and forth a lot - some days convinced it was very obvious I was transgender, other days I knew I was lying to myself. I was looking for a quick fix, an easy placebo, a community to belong to, a simple explanation for a complicated problem, ...

    It was in the middle of telling my therapist I was pretty sure I wasn't actually trans and really it's just (I don't know where the train of thought was going). As I was saying this nonsense, a part of myself made it very clear: gender identity may be complex and confusing, but I am tired of pretending to be a boy.

    I have never been as confident about anything as I was in that moment, and I started transitioning the following week.

    I have more to figure out and understand about myself. It still feels weird sometimes, or impossible, or pointless. But every part of me, every single iota of my existence, knows I’m doing the right thing to make my body match my identity.

    I can truly talk about this forever, either in generalities or specifics. There’s a lot I glossed over or forgot to write about, though some of that is in my faq and the Too Much Information page (warning, that name is not a misnomer).

    Gender is weird and confusing. Change is too.
    I’m always here to talk or listen.

    Copyright © 1997-1998 by Ginny Maive. All rights reserved.